Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
