First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
