dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
