Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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