We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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