its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
