I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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