your parents love me but you hate me
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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