Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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