All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
