I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
