Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
