This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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