dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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