i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
