I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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