i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
