I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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