Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
