i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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