Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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