You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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