theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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