It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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