i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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