i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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