either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
