i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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