forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
