Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
