That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
