STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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