I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
