I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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