Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
