me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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