I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
