There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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