after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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