dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
