Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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