I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This house was built for laser tag.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
