i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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