you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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