I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
