I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
