Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
