Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
