It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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