I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
