um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize