dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
