So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
