Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
