I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
