i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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