he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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