How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think a kid would responsible me up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
