found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
