Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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