a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
