It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
