You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
