It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
