Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
