i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
