we have officially lost it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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