We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
