i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
