No stitches, just platelets and will power
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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