i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
